Whining
This is just a way that toddlers learn to communicate with us that gets the desired result. It will decrease if it does not produce the desired result.
What to say:
Very calm and matter-of-fact “I do not speak whinese, when you talk to me in a calm, soft voice, like I am using now, then I can help you.”
You may have to repeat this several times. If they are strong willed, then this may turn into a tantrum in an effort to have their own way and get your attention. See tantrum instructions below
If your child continues to whine after being told three times that you do not speak whinese. Then you can move on to the three point teaching technique:
#1 I do not want you to whine,
#2 If you continue to speak that way, you will go into your room for quiet playtime and come out when you are ready to speak in a way that I can understand, (you may insert your own disciplinary technique here)
#3 I want you to speak in your regular sweet voice so I can understand what you are saying.”
If the whining continues then off to the bedroom it is. If this induces a tantrum see tantrum instructions.
What to do:
Between awake and asleep go over the household rules (Obey Daddy and Mommy, Do not hurt yourself and Do not hurt others - those are our three household rules) and tell her something she did right and then tell her about the whining. Tell her that it is frustrating for you when she uses a whiny voice because you cannot understand her and you love the sound of her regular voice. Ask her to say a few things is her regular sweet voice and tell her how much you love to hear that sweet voice, her voice. And then tell her that you will look forward to hearing her sweet voice in the morning.
The “No” stage
Asserting one’s free will is a normal developmental milestone. The good news is if your child is saying “no” frequently, then they are right on track developmentally. The bad news is that it can be frustrating and requires great patience.
What to say:
Every time your toddler says “No” you say “Not “No”, “yes Ma’am (or sir) and do it” Then help them to do what you have asked of them.
What to do:
We cannot do a three point teaching technique every time our child says “no”. We would have no time left in the day at all. What we want to do is to use this time to prepare them for later in their development. This will not make the “no” stop, it will just reset their thinking so that in the future (like after you have said this about 3 million times and they are 3-4 years old) they will automatically know the proper response and they WILL start to respond to it. This is just a learning opportunity. We can use this time to instill the wanted response, which will carry them right into pre-teen years. You will get to the point where they will say “No”. You will raise an eyebrow and they will say “Yes Ma’am” and do it.
Tantrums
If you want a behavior to continue, pay attention to it.
What it is:
Tantrums are a show and this show is all for you. They only continue if they are effective. So if you want your child to have repeated tantrums, then give in. If you would like tantrums to stop, then ignore them.
What to say:
Say “Not in this house” or “We don’t play that” Calmly and firmly.
What to do:
Then place the child in a safe environment and walk away. This will elicit louder screaming at first but do not give in. They can settle down and they will if they do not get any response from you. They learn pretty quickly whether tantrums will work, so ignoring them will ‘nip this in the bud’. It is never too late to start ignoring this behavior. Tantrums need to be ignored. This is not a teachable moment. It is not time to do a three point teaching technique.
When “placing them in a safe environment” they may go double-jointed on you and slip right out of your grasp when you go to pick them up. You can then grasp them firmly at the waist and place them under your arm in a sideways position to carry them to a safe place. Do this silently. You must stay in control and act as if this does not affect you in any way. Place them in a safe area and walk away. Remember, this is not a teachable moment.
If I want to address tantrums between awake and asleep: Try this every night for about a week.
“Our three household rules are Obey Mommy and Daddy, Do not hurt yourself and Do not hurt others. Today you obeyed Mommy by _________________(fill in blank) And…today you had a fit and yelled and screamed and that hurts you and mommy when you behave that way. But I know that you do not have to behave that way because you can listen and do what mommy asks. You can be great at obeying me, that’s just how you are,.I love you, good-night.”
Head banger? This method will decrease the overall number of times your child’s head hits the floor. If we give in, then they will do this more often because they will know that it works. Then, the cumulative number of times the head hits the floor will increase exponentially.
Going out to eat
Toddlers have about a 10-15 minute mealtime tolerance window. So we do not expect them to sit indefinitely while we enjoy long conversation and two cups of coffee. We can, however, make going out to eat a more enjoyable experience.
What to say:
Children want to know what you expect and what will happen. Some misbehavior is because they have no idea how long this may last so they want out immediately.
Prior to going into the restaurant, while you are still in the car say this.
“We are going in to eat. Here is what will happen,
We will sit down at the table and you can play with your __________(fill in blank)
Then we order our food and just before the food comes, we will take a little walk
Then the food comes and we eat and when we are done you can play some more and we will leave.
Don’t forget our household rules apply here.
Obey Daddy and Mommy,
Do not hurt yourself and do not hurt others.”
What to do:
Ask the waiter to let you know a few minutes before the food is supposed to arrive, if you tell them that this will help your toddler not to have a meltdown, they are usually quite eager to accommodate the request. Then let things follow the plan that you state above. Right before the food comes, take your child for a little walk. You can go to the potty, you can go outside and look at the shrubs that are planted outside or you can take a little tour and show your toddler where you go to pay, what door the waiters go thru to get the food and point out interesting things like light fixtures or wall art. Then go back to your seat and finish your mealtime.
Remember that toddlers will not tolerate endless conversation. So if you want to go out for a long discussion and several cups of coffee, get a babysitter.
Fast Food
If you are going to a fast food restaurant that has a play yard then let your child play first. This is a great spot for you to relax and allow your child to play. Do not get into a power play over three chicken nuggets and force your child to eat them before going on the playground. The food often comes in a box or bag so you can take it home and eat it later. If you are saying to yourself that your child would not eat unless you make them eat first, then read on. It does not matter if your child misses out on three chicken nuggets and some fries. Have a nutritious dinner that night or let them snack on the fries on the way home. Do not sit them right next to children having fun on a playground and force them to eat fried foods. Let them play and take the food with you when you go.
Going to the Grocery Store
Going to the grocery store can be incredibly frustrating with one toddler, throw in a few more children and it could be chaos. Children want to know what to expect and what is expected of them.
What to say: In the car prior to entering the grocery store remind the children what will happen. “We are going into the grocery store and I want you to ride in the cart without complaint. I want you to help me pick out some foods because you are a great helper. If Mommy says :no: it means :No . Our household rules apply here. Obey Mommy and Daddy, Do not hurt yourself and do not hurt others. That means no screaming and no whining. Let’s have fun. I like being at the store with you.”
While in the store you can say “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit” (That is the official southern version).
What to do:
First of all, place your child in the proper seat. It is not advisable to allow your toddler to walk thru the store on their own. They may want to get down but if we can enlist their help right away, they will often stay put. Pick up colorful vegetables and ask them which one. Drive the buggy close enough to the produce so they can pick out an apple and drop it in the bag. Select two cans of green beans and let your toddler pick one. Make them a part of the process. If you have coupons, let them help you to look for the color product that matches the coupon. When you say “no” mean it and move on.
Remember if your toddler cries, it is more likely that other people understand then it is that they are annoyed. Either way, you are not responsible for strangers, you are responsible for your child and if your refusal to get sugary snacks elicits a tantrum, just move on and continue shopping as if nothing is happening. If you give in to the crying or tantrum then you are teaching your toddler to continue that behavior - because it works. A few trips to the grocery store where their tantrums do not change your behavior will improve the overall experience in the long run. And we have to go here at least once a week, so be careful.
These tidbits brought to you compliments of The Moms on Call On-Line Toddler Parenting Seminar at http://www.momsoncall.com/. Written by Jennifer Walker RN BSN mother or three, pediatric nurse, author, public speker and parenting consultant.
This is just a way that toddlers learn to communicate with us that gets the desired result. It will decrease if it does not produce the desired result.
What to say:
Very calm and matter-of-fact “I do not speak whinese, when you talk to me in a calm, soft voice, like I am using now, then I can help you.”
You may have to repeat this several times. If they are strong willed, then this may turn into a tantrum in an effort to have their own way and get your attention. See tantrum instructions below
If your child continues to whine after being told three times that you do not speak whinese. Then you can move on to the three point teaching technique:
#1 I do not want you to whine,
#2 If you continue to speak that way, you will go into your room for quiet playtime and come out when you are ready to speak in a way that I can understand, (you may insert your own disciplinary technique here)
#3 I want you to speak in your regular sweet voice so I can understand what you are saying.”
If the whining continues then off to the bedroom it is. If this induces a tantrum see tantrum instructions.
What to do:
Between awake and asleep go over the household rules (Obey Daddy and Mommy, Do not hurt yourself and Do not hurt others - those are our three household rules) and tell her something she did right and then tell her about the whining. Tell her that it is frustrating for you when she uses a whiny voice because you cannot understand her and you love the sound of her regular voice. Ask her to say a few things is her regular sweet voice and tell her how much you love to hear that sweet voice, her voice. And then tell her that you will look forward to hearing her sweet voice in the morning.
The “No” stage
Asserting one’s free will is a normal developmental milestone. The good news is if your child is saying “no” frequently, then they are right on track developmentally. The bad news is that it can be frustrating and requires great patience.
What to say:
Every time your toddler says “No” you say “Not “No”, “yes Ma’am (or sir) and do it” Then help them to do what you have asked of them.
What to do:
We cannot do a three point teaching technique every time our child says “no”. We would have no time left in the day at all. What we want to do is to use this time to prepare them for later in their development. This will not make the “no” stop, it will just reset their thinking so that in the future (like after you have said this about 3 million times and they are 3-4 years old) they will automatically know the proper response and they WILL start to respond to it. This is just a learning opportunity. We can use this time to instill the wanted response, which will carry them right into pre-teen years. You will get to the point where they will say “No”. You will raise an eyebrow and they will say “Yes Ma’am” and do it.
Tantrums
If you want a behavior to continue, pay attention to it.
What it is:
Tantrums are a show and this show is all for you. They only continue if they are effective. So if you want your child to have repeated tantrums, then give in. If you would like tantrums to stop, then ignore them.
What to say:
Say “Not in this house” or “We don’t play that” Calmly and firmly.
What to do:
Then place the child in a safe environment and walk away. This will elicit louder screaming at first but do not give in. They can settle down and they will if they do not get any response from you. They learn pretty quickly whether tantrums will work, so ignoring them will ‘nip this in the bud’. It is never too late to start ignoring this behavior. Tantrums need to be ignored. This is not a teachable moment. It is not time to do a three point teaching technique.
When “placing them in a safe environment” they may go double-jointed on you and slip right out of your grasp when you go to pick them up. You can then grasp them firmly at the waist and place them under your arm in a sideways position to carry them to a safe place. Do this silently. You must stay in control and act as if this does not affect you in any way. Place them in a safe area and walk away. Remember, this is not a teachable moment.
If I want to address tantrums between awake and asleep: Try this every night for about a week.
“Our three household rules are Obey Mommy and Daddy, Do not hurt yourself and Do not hurt others. Today you obeyed Mommy by _________________(fill in blank) And…today you had a fit and yelled and screamed and that hurts you and mommy when you behave that way. But I know that you do not have to behave that way because you can listen and do what mommy asks. You can be great at obeying me, that’s just how you are,.I love you, good-night.”
Head banger? This method will decrease the overall number of times your child’s head hits the floor. If we give in, then they will do this more often because they will know that it works. Then, the cumulative number of times the head hits the floor will increase exponentially.
Going out to eat
Toddlers have about a 10-15 minute mealtime tolerance window. So we do not expect them to sit indefinitely while we enjoy long conversation and two cups of coffee. We can, however, make going out to eat a more enjoyable experience.
What to say:
Children want to know what you expect and what will happen. Some misbehavior is because they have no idea how long this may last so they want out immediately.
Prior to going into the restaurant, while you are still in the car say this.
“We are going in to eat. Here is what will happen,
We will sit down at the table and you can play with your __________(fill in blank)
Then we order our food and just before the food comes, we will take a little walk
Then the food comes and we eat and when we are done you can play some more and we will leave.
Don’t forget our household rules apply here.
Obey Daddy and Mommy,
Do not hurt yourself and do not hurt others.”
What to do:
Ask the waiter to let you know a few minutes before the food is supposed to arrive, if you tell them that this will help your toddler not to have a meltdown, they are usually quite eager to accommodate the request. Then let things follow the plan that you state above. Right before the food comes, take your child for a little walk. You can go to the potty, you can go outside and look at the shrubs that are planted outside or you can take a little tour and show your toddler where you go to pay, what door the waiters go thru to get the food and point out interesting things like light fixtures or wall art. Then go back to your seat and finish your mealtime.
Remember that toddlers will not tolerate endless conversation. So if you want to go out for a long discussion and several cups of coffee, get a babysitter.
Fast Food
If you are going to a fast food restaurant that has a play yard then let your child play first. This is a great spot for you to relax and allow your child to play. Do not get into a power play over three chicken nuggets and force your child to eat them before going on the playground. The food often comes in a box or bag so you can take it home and eat it later. If you are saying to yourself that your child would not eat unless you make them eat first, then read on. It does not matter if your child misses out on three chicken nuggets and some fries. Have a nutritious dinner that night or let them snack on the fries on the way home. Do not sit them right next to children having fun on a playground and force them to eat fried foods. Let them play and take the food with you when you go.
Going to the Grocery Store
Going to the grocery store can be incredibly frustrating with one toddler, throw in a few more children and it could be chaos. Children want to know what to expect and what is expected of them.
What to say: In the car prior to entering the grocery store remind the children what will happen. “We are going into the grocery store and I want you to ride in the cart without complaint. I want you to help me pick out some foods because you are a great helper. If Mommy says :no: it means :No . Our household rules apply here. Obey Mommy and Daddy, Do not hurt yourself and do not hurt others. That means no screaming and no whining. Let’s have fun. I like being at the store with you.”
While in the store you can say “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit” (That is the official southern version).
What to do:
First of all, place your child in the proper seat. It is not advisable to allow your toddler to walk thru the store on their own. They may want to get down but if we can enlist their help right away, they will often stay put. Pick up colorful vegetables and ask them which one. Drive the buggy close enough to the produce so they can pick out an apple and drop it in the bag. Select two cans of green beans and let your toddler pick one. Make them a part of the process. If you have coupons, let them help you to look for the color product that matches the coupon. When you say “no” mean it and move on.
Remember if your toddler cries, it is more likely that other people understand then it is that they are annoyed. Either way, you are not responsible for strangers, you are responsible for your child and if your refusal to get sugary snacks elicits a tantrum, just move on and continue shopping as if nothing is happening. If you give in to the crying or tantrum then you are teaching your toddler to continue that behavior - because it works. A few trips to the grocery store where their tantrums do not change your behavior will improve the overall experience in the long run. And we have to go here at least once a week, so be careful.
These tidbits brought to you compliments of The Moms on Call On-Line Toddler Parenting Seminar at http://www.momsoncall.com/. Written by Jennifer Walker RN BSN mother or three, pediatric nurse, author, public speker and parenting consultant.
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