Teaching Toddlers

I have a toddler at home and I find myself often saying "No...", "You're going to go to time-out," "Don't take your brother's toys." For the most part, he's great - adorable, surprising every day (in a good way) with new words that escape his lips and intrigue me. But he's an explorer and he likes to push all of our buttons from time to time. So again, I turned to the "Moms on Call" to get some tips on how to handle the tantrums and other troubles with toddlers. In addition to the below tips, you can get a full and incredible tutorial in their Online Toddler Seminar at http://www.momsoncall.com/ :

"Three point teaching techniques

On an incident by incident level, there is a way to keep our cool and go beyond just saying “No”.
This is the 'teacher' part of being a consistent trustworthy role model. Just saying 'no' leaves a toddler to try to develop appropriate coping mechanisms on their own, and typically they will not do that.

They say to themselves. 'Michael took my toy. I am not happy about it and it makes me want to bite him' If we just say 'no,' we are leaving out an important aspect of the parent/child relationship; the teaching part. Here is where the three point teaching technique comes into play. We can go beyond a simple 'no' and teach our children good coping mechanisms. When should Parents start these techniques? As soon as they see Defiant behaviors.

There are two primary behaviors

1) Accidental

2) Defiant.

Accidental behaviors like crying for accidentally falling is NOT a reason to use these methods. But a Toddler who looks you in the eye while doing something they know is wrong is exhibiting Defiant behavior.

Sometimes defiant behavior starts at 13 months, sometimes not until they are 2 or 3 years old.
When your child looks you in the eye and exhibits a defiant behavior, he/she is saying “Give me a boundary. Are you bigger and smarter than me? Are boundaries going to stay in place or not?”

Three point teaching technique

When toddlers do not get their way, or another child snatches their toy, they get angry or disappointed and they usually will cry.

Allow them to have a few minutes of cry time and encourage them to use words to express their feelings.

Suggest other ways of handling disappointment and anger. Toddlers will not be able to come up with good coping mechanisms on their own. The cycle of behavior modification is this:

Step one – Identify the unwanted behavior.
Step two –State the disciplinary consequence.
Step three – State the desirable behavior.

Try saying "It is O.K. to be sad that Michael took your toy, but it is not O.K. to have a fit. If you have a fit again, you will sit in time-out. Try using words and asking Michael for the toy back. Try saying ‘Michael, can I have my toy back?'” We agree that this sounds very ‘Pollyanna,’ but if you are consistent, your child will learn better ways of handling disappointment, sadness and anger.

As much as is realistically possible- be consistent; the misconception is “Well, I’ve been doing it two or three times and it has not worked.” That’s not enough. Be consistent a hundred times over. It is in a child’s behavioral DNA to regularly test their boundaries. We know it is not easy. Remember using the three point teaching technique is not the only time that we will address our child’s behavior. Do not gauge success based on whether or not the child continues to misbehave. Toddlers misbehave, it is their way of testing their boundaries; They want the boundaries to stay in place and they want to know that someone bigger and stronger than them is keeping them safe.

You are successful if the child does not like the immediate consequences of their actions.
Throw out the notion that the children all have to respond to the same discipline technique.
Use the cycle of behavior modification:

Step one – Identify the unwanted behavior.
Step two –State the disciplinary consequence.
Step three – Teach the desirable behavior.

Most importantly, when they misbehave again, follow through with your discipline. It makes you trustworthy.

After the discipline, offer forgiveness, offer a giant hug and move on.

These tidbits brought to you by Jennifer Walker RN BSN mother of 3, author, parent educator and co-founder of http://www.momsoncall.com/.
Jennifer is 39 and resides in Woodstock Georgia with her husband and three sons, Grayson 11 yrs. and the 8 year old twins, Hamilton and Bryce.